My Uncle was found dead this week in the bathroom of a public restroom with a needle in his arm. He had been out six weeks after an 11 year stint in prison for committing "crimes" that in the end only ever really hurt him.
His death was a surprise. Really it was. He was loved, and we were all happy he was out.
There are so many things I want to write about right now. How not all people in prison are "bad". How I can't stand the judicial process especially when it comes to the poor or people with lovely shades of brown and black skin. I want to write about how painful it must be for my Grandmother to lose another son to the monkey on his back. How angry I am, How sad I am, How frustrated I am and want to quit my job and do healing work full time. How his death slaps me in the face and reminds me: love your daughter, protect her, teach her but in the end you will have to let her go and she will create her own path. Her life is her own.
I want to write about how all my Uncles had the habit of walking around in Levi's with no shirts on. One of them still does. I want to write about the memories I have of my Uncle who just passed but really all I've been able to think about since he died is beauty, love and creation.
Beauty, Love and Creation.
At first all I could see was despair. Those drunks who are always on the corner seemed to multiply. The lines on their faces were deeper, their stench riper. I felt the keen sense of sh*t those men and I are the same. We can't progress to a better world if any one person on earth is sad or is suffering. Not one. And I wondered do these men notice the sky and how beautiful it looks? Do they notice how green everything is this summer with all the rain? Did they have a mother that loved them and do they ever think of her and her affection? I would go out on a limb and say MAYBE they are free, more free than I am, except their alcoholism tells me otherwise.
Beauty and Love. Two simple and abundant things. Creation, our remit. I went back in time to when my daughter was smaller than she is now. And she would throw a tantrum for whatever wasn't working in her world at the moment. "This is the worst day ever" is usually what would come out of her little lips...followed by the standard response of myself and my brother "worst day SO FAR". I got into the habit of forcing her to name all the things that made her happy and that she loved. We'd go back and forth...."I love the color blue", "I love drawing", "I love cherries", "I love roses and gardens", "I love swimming" until eventually she would stop crying and feel better. As hard as it is to see sometimes there is more beauty and love in the world than anything ANYTHING else. You can kick it to the curb if you want. But it was created for all of us and is at our disposal whenever we need it.
Yes, I know, sometimes it's hard to see with all the trash on the street, dilapidated buildings and sidewalks that need repair. Ignorant people saying and doing ugly things to others. Commercials, commercialism, being tied to a job you don't enjoy, war, poverty...I'm sure you can name many other things. None of those things God created. Man did. When I remember this simple fact it gives me renewed hope when doubt tries to sneak it's way in. When I walk my white fluffy dog in the morning I've gotten into the habit of focusing only on those things that man didn't create. The sky. The wind. The pretty bird on the fence. The woman wearing a blue dress. Grass. That pretty tree with white flowers. Rain. Love. Beauty. Joy. Giving. Sharing.
My Uncle was in prison for 11 years. He was out for six weeks when he overdosed. And all I can think of is how he had pain residing inside of him. He identified himself with it and not with the bird on the fence, the breeze that caressed his skin or the sun on his face. He didn't see that the flowers were blooming for him, the smiles on my families faces were spreading for him.
The sun rises everyday for us. The flowers bloom every day for us. The stars shine every night for us. Rivers flow for us. I'm not talking about some manifest destiny stuff....I'm saying that when we are in our saddest and darkest place and that "reality" has taken residence in our being...there is beauty and love all around you working very hard to remind you:
You are beautiful and perfectly loved.
Create.
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